I once told someone that God doesn’t speak to you with billboards. That faith, of any kind, most of the time has to be searched out a little. It doesn’t come easily, and sometimes you just have to wait for the feeling. You have to listen for the silence and look toward the invisible. It’s so hard to explain to a logical analytical mind. The weird thing about my life is that will all my flighty notions and daydreaming and fluttering faith, I’ve always found myself in the company of scientific minds. People who refuse to believe in things they cannot smell, taste, touch, and feel. The people I’ve been closest to in my life, the ones I’ve loved the strongest have been people who look at me with disbelief and concern when I talk of faith, fate, cosmic signs and what-if… I dated a guy once who thought I needed therapy because I totally believe in karma. He also wanted to screw me every time I talked about it… so who needed the therapy more?
However, maybe I’ve been wrong. Not technically wrong, but I’m beginning to think God doesuse billboards, sort of. Looking back on my life thus far, I can see times where now it’s obvious someone higher up was practically using billboards, flashing lights, neon signs, and sirens to get me down a particular path. And since I believe in free will, the stubborn dumbass that I am usually decides to do things my way, anyway. That means I take the road less traveled and fight and claw my way through usually only to end up where the signs were pointing from the beginning.
I think it might be happening again. But dammit it all to hell, I just don’t want to. I’ve fought and worked so hard to reach this place in my life, and I don’t want to turn it upside down again. The younger me was always looking, searching for what might be around the next corner. She never had a problem with packing a bag and tying herself to that red balloon for lift off to land anywhere the wind blew. But there isn’t that much of her left in the woman that I am now. Somewhere along the way I began to like seeing the same people every day, knowing what was coming my way for the entire week, being a wife and mother… PTA meetings, football games, family BBQs, nosey neighbors… I’d stopped missing the lure of the open road, the fascination with the surprises waiting around the bend. I wasn’t getting bored or feeling smothered. I honestly thought this here and now was going to be my forever.
I guess the reality of being me is that this is normal. Technically, continuing on with the status quo would be the easy thing to do, and everyone knows, I can’t possibly do things the easy way. I have to make it just as difficult as possible so when I fuck up, I fuck up royally. The situation that I’m eluding to, I can’t give details yet because I don’t know them. What I do know is my heart is both breaking and beating out of control. My mind is spinning out of control, and my emotions are drowning me. I’m angry, hurt, frustrated, scared, heartbroken, nervous, defeated, excited, hopeful, confrontational, shy, hysterical, subdued… you name it, I’m feeling it.
To whom it may concern: If you really want this to happen, you’d better rent the damn billboard because that’s the only way I’m gonna believe this shit.
