Count to Ten and Exhale

The husband and I occasionally joke about taking one of the many job openings in far away places in his field of employment. More than once we’ve discussed living in the wilderness of Alaska. I’m only half-joking these days. If you know me at all, you realize how dangerous it is to tease me about such things. It certainly wouldn’t be the first time I’ve looked for happiness on a map. The only difference this time is I wouldn’t be looking for happiness, I’d be looking for sanity.
I realize there’s no such thing as a geographical cure for my life, but at the same time I’m not so sure it wouldn’t make things easier. When I lived in Europe, I remember still getting the middle of the night phone calls and hearing about all the family drama and trauma, but it didn’t get to me because I knew there was nothing I could do about it from there. Unfortunately I think at the very least I’d have to leave this continent because when I lived in Texas my family just assumed I could still get to them if they needed me.
I know it sounds awful. I sound like such a bitch. I’m just so tired. And I’m tormented. I’m faced with the knowledge that if I continue to take on everything that’s being asked of me, I’m going to lose my mind and my home life is going to continue to go downhill with no brakes. However, if I put my foot down and stop, it’s going to hurt and cause neglect to people I love and cherish. Unfortunately no matter how I spin it, there isn’t a happy medium in these particular situations. It just feels like such an impossible situation. I’m on the verge of tears every waking moment of the day. I’m even dreaming about my obligations and the drama surrounding them.
This should be a happy week for me. The man-child’s graduation is tomorrow. We should be celebrating. He’s an eighteen year old young man leaving high school for the real world. He could have already screwed up by now. The majority of boys around here do, you know. But not him. He’s graduating with honors. He’s never been in trouble. He’s sweet and respectful, and he’s serious about his future.
I should also be excited because Dave is coming down for a visit next week! I’m pretending he’s coming just to see me, but the reality is that he’s coming down to try to catch our moonbow on film. Not sure how that’s going to turn out considering we’re looking at a forecast of rain everyday of the full moon.
Oh, and today is the last day of school for the rest of the kids. The younger two only have to go in and pick up report cards. So my days are now officially even busier! I have no idea what we’re going to do this summer. Not sure how I’ll keep them busy and entertained, but I’ll find a way. They’re not going to be happy when they find out that they’re spending this day cleaning! I can hear their moans and whimpers already, and I haven’t even told them yet.
It’s time to wake them up and get them going. My chore list isn’t getting any smaller with me sitting here. I’ll be fine. Everything will be fine.
Just hide the maps.